just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
