What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
