Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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