I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
