I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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