oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
