This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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