When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
