I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
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i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
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Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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