Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
