there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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