Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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