you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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