Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just pee around me
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
