To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
