I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
