You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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