Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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