I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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