I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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