I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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