I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
