I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
