Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.