you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
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I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
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Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids