I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
