The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
