I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit