she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
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The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
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Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.