That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist