I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always