I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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