i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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