I wish I could punch you in the face.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
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