I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
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