drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
