It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
