i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I did not marry a roomba.
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