if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
