girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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