Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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