Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
