What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
