just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize