just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
