How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
