i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
