you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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