i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
