Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
