Please, let me fuck your mom
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Randomize
