come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
