We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
