Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
