im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
