nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
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I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
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Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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