we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
