Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize